Painful Journey II

As many know me they are all surprised to hear of the marital issues that my wife and I have struggled with. Yes, we are very happy and committed but sometimes we men seem to derail our marriages with stupidity. I have for years found myself in a place that shuts Christy down from me. It is not her inability to compromise but mine. She was born (as most women are) with a keen sense of knowing what it takes to make a relationship work. Boy, my wife was in for a rude awakening. When we got married 14 years ago it was supposed to be bliss but, it was filled with tons of disappointments.

I knew the first time I laid eyes on her that she was meant to be with me. After much deliberating and time I convinced her of it too. (I used an old book to do it...How a caveman clubs a woman into marriage). Just kidding. She also realized the same thing months after I did. We were in some ways the best of friend’s way before we became the best of lovers. She is still the best friend I have ever had but being my friend in that way came with a heavy price for her. The truth here is that we have been undergoing months of reconstruction in our marriage due to my inability to hear. She has been living a journey of painful things with me over the last seven years. She has watched me turn down a church in Victoria, Texas of over 5,000 members as well as resign the license as a minister to a major Pentecostal denomination. As she watched the process I went through to find out who I was for myself she saw many great pains not only with me but the people who surrounded us began to chip away at her because of her devotion to see me through this. She has been extremely instrumental in this whole process. She at times felt unequipped for the task but somehow she found the grace to do it. One mistake after another and a lot of heartaches followed. It wasn't until the past two years that I began to discover not what was missing in me but what I allowed to be stolen out of me. My identity was stripped because I put it out there for men to approve of and not God. I came with every manual in my head that said this is the right way to do things but I could not seem to get it from my head to my heart quick enough. I understood what I wanted to do and where I was suppose to go but like all men running from a call we tend to not believe it until it is almost too late. She was so patient and kind to me through it all. It was two years ago that we figured out what my problem was rooted in. By the time I have begun to make restitution with everything I had already lost so much ground with her that I almost watched her walk out of my life forever. She came to a place when I began to recover from years of destructive behavior that she now needed me. I was growing stronger, faster and deeper than I had ever grown before but she was spiraling down a stairwell of depression and loss of identity herself. She dealt with resentment, anger, pain, numbness in her heart to feel anything for me. The Salt described in the earlier post was what had begun to occur. I had walked through so much and traveled a long, long way but she had nothing left to give. I realized that like the bad consumption of salt that I had dehydrated her. She was depleted of anything that would be needed to be given to us, including our children. Don't get me wrong here, she is a very resilient and strong woman but it took some real grit and selflessness to win her back. It also came with the threat of others consistently beating her door down to steal her away from me. They were the salt in my wounds. They were always mirroring what I wasn't giving back to her. What she really needed. As she turned them down one by one she also found something in each of them that she admired. I began to sit there and listen to her talk about what each one represented to her and felt grossly inadequate for her. She said to me "the reason I could never consider them is because I saw all of that in you". She saw who I truly was and she saw it when she said I will marry you. I had potential she said. You can have all spiritual knowledge and book knowledge but unless it has been balanced with an ear to hear in love you will never get it. I watched her so unhappy for a long time that I began to get weary of if I was man enough for her. OUCH! The course of action that God took in me was amazing here. She said that the decision came down to her walking away from us or I had to allow God to use me again as he did when we first married. She watched me agonize over so much. I would receive such deep spiritual things from the Lord but never knew how to implement them effectively to anyone including her. Through it all I have thrown my Bible at God, told Him how much I hated Him, I have resented who I was created to be and that is where I walked away. I could not take another day watching everything around me shake when I walked into a place. I hated the call on me for sooooo long that I began to run from my purpose. That is when I began to see my kingdom fall. I watched ungodly amounts of money slip through my hands and I couldn't stop the money bleeding. I watched as everyone around me began to suffer at the destructiveness of my disobediences. I had stuck my finger (spiritually) up at Him and said NO MORE! Well as many of you know, a prophet can run from his destiny but He will only be able to ride that boat for a short season. My boat crashed upon the shores of my own personal Nineveh. When I began to see the effects of my disobedience it looked like a war zone and I was just sitting there looking at the Damn mess I made. I kicked every door in when God would not open them and the time came for me to wrestle with an Angle. He broke my hip and gave me a new walk. I am now spiritual Israel. (Symbolism there) I took a long hard look at what damages had been done two years ago and started the recovery effort to rebuild it all. There has not been a day go by to where I haven't seen some type of miracle, even if small one in me. My awareness of who I am has been accepted in me and Christy and I are well on our way to a more joyous marriage than we had before. I can see traces of deeper love in her every day. She looks at me again like I am a King. She has crowned me a rightful place in her heart and I have to say. She is well worth it. I would travel a million more miles for her if needed. There has been a few things arise lately that other things had to be laid aside to help deal with but underneath it all it is a joy to be fighting it out by her side instead in a courtroom. She is the rose of Sharon and her thorns are the places I should not have messed with because they now haunt me and remind me to never, ever look back to Sodom. This past Sunday, I had made commitments to attend a place we love to be but it was not where I was asked to be at the last minute. To all of those who we attend Sunday Morning services with at the Salt Mine: I am sorry that you have not seen much of us lately but you will. Our marriage is a lot more important to us and we are doing some hard things that most people have no idea about but one day we will share it and will have the authority to. Pastor Steve: I know what you are probably thinking but relax. We will be there for you. We would rather serve and feed than be fed. I love you dearly and do not want to disappoint you. I have a ton of respect for you and I lift you up every day. You are without a doubt a true friend and a person that I am spiritually connected to. That does not mean that I do not take your words lightly. In fact, I invite them and I am encouraged by them. Quit looking at the outside of the box for confirmation of who I am and start looking deeper inside to see the real gift I was sent to bring you. Christy, I Love you more than life itself and I will serve you as your King as long as I live. Thank You for your Love, patience, understanding, long-suffering and grit. I Love you all, Scott Huggins

Comments

[Steve Wright]

Your realness is amazing. I love your family and I pray everyday for you guys. We missed all of you Sunday. I hope to here from you soon my brother.
Your friend always
Steve